Every Who Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot
Every Goat down in Goatville liked Navy a lot
But the Mule, who lived just north of Goatville, did not!
Yes, the Mule hated Navy! The whole blue-gold
schtick!
Now, please don't you ask why, but it made him quite sick
It could be his fatigues were all wrinkled and messed
Or with too many patches and medals he dressed
But I think that the most likely reason, I’d
say
Was the school he was from was depressing and gray
And that color possessed both his soul and his mind
And put sour-puss faces on most of his kind
But, whatever the reason, his clothes or his school
There he stood in December, a sour-pussed mule
From his Hudson high perch with a scowl he stared
down
At the Goats in their mirth in their Goatvilly town
For he knew every Goat down in Goatville, yes, all
Was a-buzz, hard at work in their Bancrofty Hall.
"They'll be painting their posters!" he snarled with a
sneer
"And tomorrow is game time! It's practically here!"
For tomorrow the Goats would drive up, the Mules down
To their annual fight in the brotherly town
"This is something," he frowned, "that I simply
can’t stand"
"For they’ll jeer and they’ll laugh and
exhort the Pep Band"
"Then the blue tide will surge and the canons will
roar"
"And all hope will be lost as they run up the score"
Then he growled, with the pain from his ulcer
beginning
"I MUST find some way to stop Navy from winning!"
For the game that he feared was soon coming, anon
Up in Philly, next day, the Mule’s hopes would be
gone
‘Cause he knew with the march on, the
terror’d begin
And then, three hours later, the Navy would win!
And they’d scream and they’d yell and
they’d hug and they’d cry
As the mules glumly sat with lives passing by
Then the Goats, young and old, in the lot would
tailgate
A tradition to which no gray mule could relate
They would gulp Ham Francisco, then crabs and some
beer
Which was something that gave the Mule hives if too near
Then the Goats would do something most Goatly obscene
Every Goat down in Goatville, both nuke and Marine
Would all stand close together, with T-Court bells
ringing
They would stand hand-in-hand and the Goats would start
singing!
But no Christmassy carols would be sung that day
Only verse after verse of that Anchors Aweigh!
And the more the Mule thought of this Goat-Navy-Sing
The more the Mule thought, "I must stop this whole
thing!"
"Why, for 100 years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop the Navy from winning!...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! A most awful idea!
The Mule got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do . . . how I’ll silence the
hoards"
And he made a quick uniform with shoulder boards
But he didn’t dress up like the regular tars
Not the Mule. He got thread and he added some stars
To the boards on his shoulders and eggs to his cap
Then he looked in the mirror and turned with a snap
And he chuckled and said, looking ever so sly
"In this get up, I’ll pass for that CNO guy!"
"All I need is an aide..." and the Mule looked around
But, since no aide was detailed, t'were none to be found
Then he spied the Black Knight who was covered with
rust
"Well, I’ll just have to use him, I guess, if I
must"
Then he said, "Come on, Knight," and they turned and then
flew
Not to Goatville, no way, but to Navy HQ
There he strode down the corridors, straight to the
door
Of the comptroller admiral who wasn’t sure
If the Mule was, in fact, the boss man, CNO
If he was, then his ears had decided to grow
But he’d not take a chance, so he listened,
intent
To the Mule’s fiendish words to pull back money
spent
On flotillas of ships and some squadrons of planes
While ignoring the comptroller’s urgent refrains
"Please, sir, fight off the House and the Senate, well
staffed"
"Or our Navy will die," but the CN-Mule laughed
Then repeated his order and wasn’t done yet
"And besides," clucked the Mule, "There’s no
obvious threat"
"To our national interests, no war, not a noise"
"There’s no regional conflict to warrant these
toys"
Then he slithered and slunk down the bright polished
halls
Oiled paintings of dead folks adorning their walls
To the Manpow’r Directorate, coded N1
Where the next 3-star waited to suffer his fun
"I’m downsizing the Fleet," he announced to his
prey
"Many airplanes and ships will be going away"
"So we won’t need more sailors, in fact,
we’ll need less"
"You look pale, my good man. It’s a shock, I
confess"
"But we can’t justify all the money we fling"
"At our spending requirements and, oh, one more thing"
"We’ll not be needing Goats, not for now,
that’s a rule"
"So please go out to Goatville and close the Goatschool"
"Prithee, do it tonight," said he, eyes all agleam
"Save the biggest bucks first, no more footbally team"
But the Mule wasn't done, had the ways, had the means
To cut force strength by half of the U. S. Marines
Then he did the same thing on each coast to each
Fleet
Cutting DESRONs and Wings to the bone, the old cheat
So the 3-star stepped out, with a cheery "Aye-Aye"
And the message was sent and the team went "Bye Bye"
Along with it, the ships and the planes and the staff
Who by morning, no doubt, would be RIF’d by one
half
Satisfied with his evil, nefarious deed
To bring grief and despair to the Navy Goat breed
The Mule strolled to the CNO's office to wait
For the Goats to discover their ill-gotten fate
"What a plan, what a stroke. They won't know who to
blame"
"When they wake up tomorrow and forfeit the game"
But the Mule overlooked an O-5 as he sat
Who, though not yet flag rank, had the budget down pat
"I am Greg Nosal, sir, and before you I stand"
"Just drove up from the coast and my change of command"
"With Tom Gurney, a classmate, we soared and we
flew"
"In our Hornets from our VFA Eighty Two"
"But I must ask you, sir, a quick question of mine"
"Why go decomming planes and good ships of the line"
But, you know, that old Mule's evil mind was so vast
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up fast!
"Why, my good ex-CO," the fake CNO lied,"
"There's an old afterburner won't burn on one side."
"And those ships are so old and almost obsolete"
"They will only embarrass the rest of our Fleet"
"So I'm early retiring them 'fore they expire"
"To make room for some new ones that we'll soon acquire"
And his fib fooled the Nose and he showed him the
door
Then he emailed BUPERS and he gave them a chore
"Send that Nosal guy, quick, to a job that is joint"
"Make him drill for 10 years with the mules at West
Point!"
And when orders were cut and the message was sent
The Mule laughed long and hard with no thought to repent
But, alas, Greg was saved from these orders, severe
And he went to the RAG as CO for a year
In the photo, regard, his last change of command
With the real CNO and our flag, as was planned
It was quarter past dawn as he drove out Route 50
To await reveille in T-Court, t'would be nifty
As he heard all the Goats crying out from their gut
When they found that their Navy and team had been cut
So he climbed to the top of Tecumseh despite
Being dropped once or twice by the overtaxed Knight
"Hee Haw to the Goats," he was mule-ish-ly braying
"They are finding out now that no game they'll be
playing"
"They are just coming 'round! I know just what they'll
do!"
"Their jaws will hang open a minute or two"
"Then the Goats here in Goatville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
"That's a sound," grinned the Mule, "That I simply must
hear!"
So he paused and the Mule put a hoof to his ear
And he did hear a sound rising over the bricks
It came first from the left then moved on to Batt Six
But the sound wasn't sad! It was loud and quite
strong
It just couldn't be so! T'was the Navy fight song!
And he stared at the Goats in the Court they called T
Not believing the sight that his eyes made him see
With the canons and Pep Band on Bancroft Hall step
All the Goats yelled and screamed in a rally of pep
With no game and no fleet the Goats welcomed the day
With a rousing rendition of Anchors Aweigh
And the Mule ground his teeth and a filling fell out
And he scrunched up his face in an ugly mule pout
"It just doesn't make sense," the Mule said to the
Knight
"My plan shouldn't have led to this Goatish delight"
"Maybe Goats," he hypoth'd, "Are a whole breed apart"
"Maybe Navy is not so much science, but art"
"Perhaps Goats are unique, really one of a kind"
"And Goatville's not a town, but a rare state of mind"
And then what happened next? Well, in Goatville it's
told
That the Mule's cold, gray soul changed to blue with some
gold
And the minute his head didn't feel quite so gray
He restored Navy's hardware without much delay
He refunded the cruisers and fast F-18s
He purchased some tanks for the U. S. Marines
He brought back the team who drove north none too
soon
So that they were in place for the kickoff at noon
And then after the Goats had thus carried the day
The Mule, yes, the Mule, he sang Anchors Aweigh
Happy Holidays,
Chic